"Thank you," I reply, pleasantly surprised that their computer system recognized me as a frequent visitor to this hotel (I knew the clerk didn't recognize me). "Four nights? I don't know -- I'm leaving Saturday."

Let us dissect the clerk's greeting. "Welcome back" is nice: it signals me that I am recognized, possibly even valued. But what about "staying four nights"? That is a hotel-centered statement. The hotel, and the clerk at the front desk, are interested in how many nights I occupy a room. That is how they think about their business. But the average hotel guest thinks in terms of schedule.

Little clues can point to significant items. Hotels that are hotel-centered will not treat their guests as well as ones that are guest-centered. Or, to generalize, companies that are company-centered still don't get it: they still lack empathy and understanding of the point of view of their customers.

Words matter. Psychologists depersonalize the people they study by calling them “subjects.” We depersonalize the people we study by calling them “users.” Both terms are derogatory. They take us away from our primary mission: to help people. Power to the people, I say, to repurpose an old phrase. People. Human Beings. That’s what our discipline is really about.

This is an excerpt from “Words Matter. Talk About People: Not Customers, Not Consumers, Not Users,” written by Don Norman, Professor at Northwestern University, for Interactions. © CACM, 2006.

Businesses know how important it is to use just the right words or they might lose their customer. It has become a business science. Yet many of us parents do not even give the slightest thought about how we speak to our children. If our children were our clients, we might just see our businesses wind down. Words matter. Our words will either win the respect of our children and cause them to want to communicate with us or drive them away because our harsh words or harsh tone makes them feel disrespected. There is a saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” These people are our children. Even if we are disciplining or correcting our children, we can learn to be calm and use the right words. You will find that your children will respond in a much more positive way as well.

Below are some examples of how we can speak more positively with our children, even in everyday situations.

Talk about the specific behaviour that needs to change instead of challenging their character:

You are tutoring your son and he couldn’t understand how to do the work. You can lose your temper and say, “Stupid Boy!” or you could be specific and give help for the specific situation: “The solution for this problem is wrong; here is how you do it.”

Give courage to your child when others tease them. Do not discount the teasing as unimportant to address:

Your daughter commented that some of her friends said that she is fat. You can say, “Don’t listen to them”, but she probably will hear only that you don’t think her feelings are important. Instead you can help her see a different point of view by saying: “You are beautiful in your own way and I love you.”

Communicate faith. Our faith in them helps them to build faith in themselves:

Your child just failed his exam. Some of us might say, “Failed again, your brother has never failed, why you can’t be more like him.” Instead, try “I believe in you. I know you can do it. This is hard but we will do it together.”

Communicate praise and affection just for the sake of praise. It is free after all.

“The dress that you are wearing is pretty.” (even if it is just another simple dress) “That shot you made on goal was good.” (even though he missed), and “That was nice that you helped that old man.” (when you see him doing the good deed).

Words matter. Use them wisely. Think before you speak. Your child will grow to appreciate and respect, and listen to you, even more.

Written and compiled by Mr. Lee Teck Ming and Mrs. Patrice Lee of HOPEww (Singapore).